My mother somehow has me watching Meg Ryan's When a Man Loves a Woman. The only quote I take from the film: "Nobody makes us feel [small and worthless]. We do that for ourselves." The remaining 125.76 minutes feels like emotional suicide. So I'm jolted when I look over and see the woman who raised me smiling and laughing. And I'm reminded how fantasy packaged as reality alleviates even the worst suffering.
But I eventually smile too. I see I have made both incremental and monumental progress as I...
1. Don't begin humming Rent or quoting Brokeback Mountain to drown out Ryan or her husband, Garcia.
2. Don't assume motivations on my mother's part.
And perhaps of epic importance: I...
3. Regret not telling her I love her when she says good night.
Fantasy packaged as reality alleviates even the worst suffering. But I want reality. I want Christ and family and love and beauty and cognition in all its chronic imperfection, pain, and volitility. Anything less is self-deception.
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