i had never seen an ex before today.
in my experience, the cessation of a romantic relationship is akin to death. one day, you are lovers of body and mind and spirit; you break barriers with your fists and with your vulnerability; your love is steadfast. then comes the last day. the last day you see them, hear them, touch them. that's it. then it is mourning over a casket, a casket you must allow rest in fertile soil. before resurrection comes death; before healing, shattering; before hope, despair. if you're lucky, you know it, you anticipate it, and your heart prepares as best it can for the chaos, impending and unavoidable.
if luck runs dry--as it did with you, M, it attacks your very ability to breath. i wanted to leave this earth before i would ever experience a panic attack again. it hit me, and our mutual friends, out of the blue. you broke me and i am still breaking and i am still praying, in wide open and desolate fields, for the will to open myself again.
i saw you running and recognized you immediately. my heart.
oh my heart. you must love yourself back to life. affirm the hope where there is hopelessness. affirm the love that exists in every relationship, not just the ones that carry wedding bands and conceptions and longevity. affirm peace in the most anxiety-prone circumstances which, for you, leeches on to your day-to-day. affirm the earth-shattering fact that, no matter the love lost, you will always be a person of worth and beauty.
in my experience, the cessation of a romantic relationship is akin to death. one day, you are lovers of body and mind and spirit; you break barriers with your fists and with your vulnerability; your love is steadfast. then comes the last day. the last day you see them, hear them, touch them. that's it. then it is mourning over a casket, a casket you must allow rest in fertile soil. before resurrection comes death; before healing, shattering; before hope, despair. if you're lucky, you know it, you anticipate it, and your heart prepares as best it can for the chaos, impending and unavoidable.
if luck runs dry--as it did with you, M, it attacks your very ability to breath. i wanted to leave this earth before i would ever experience a panic attack again. it hit me, and our mutual friends, out of the blue. you broke me and i am still breaking and i am still praying, in wide open and desolate fields, for the will to open myself again.
i saw you running and recognized you immediately. my heart.
oh my heart. you must love yourself back to life. affirm the hope where there is hopelessness. affirm the love that exists in every relationship, not just the ones that carry wedding bands and conceptions and longevity. affirm peace in the most anxiety-prone circumstances which, for you, leeches on to your day-to-day. affirm the earth-shattering fact that, no matter the love lost, you will always be a person of worth and beauty.
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